You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
