My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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