i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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