I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My ass is underappreciated
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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