i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
