Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
