I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
