Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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