I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
True college students do jello shots in the library
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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