Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
