haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
