can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
