I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
