the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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