Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize