if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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