I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
