I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
only if we run a train.
done.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize