I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
