i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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