I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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