K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
