Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
