we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
