tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
