got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
