She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
