she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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