If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize