you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
