I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
