the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
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