Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize