hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
