Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
