I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
