you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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