Apparently you make a good broom.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
