so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
