I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dignity is for republicans.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
