Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
