Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
