Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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