I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
