Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
well you can't waste a boner
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
