Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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