i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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