you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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