i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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