If i come over, it means nothing
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
