The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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