Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
