and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
