Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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